Scope it: your colon
Trying to make a clever title about colons while using a colon punctuation: a failure
With the recent passing of Catherine O'Hara and James Van Der Beek from what I understood to be forms of colorectal cancer, I thought it would be an appropriate time to write again. I recently had a colonoscopy and thankfully everything turned out OK. It was an interesting experience that everyone should go through multiple times in their lives, but maybe we don't talk about enough. It has to do with butts (and poop), and for some reason (unfortunately) we don't talk about butts or poop enough when we're adults. That's a different story for 5-year old Florian, whose first words in the morning, first words after coming home from school, and last words before bed usually include "kupa" and "pupa" (the Polish words for butt and poop).
A colonoscopy was always something abstract in my head and something reserved for old people. Not for me. But lately I've been reminded, especially after my weekly basketball games, that yes, I am old people. And your 40s is when you are supposed to think about your colon. So I thought, OK let's think about it.
I don't think I was ever that worried about the procedure itself, as long as I could be asleep. For some reason my biggest fear of having a colonoscopy was the idea of pooping in my pants on the way to the procedure. And since I would be taking the subway to the clinic, my fear could be summarized in one single goal - Don't poop on the subway! Is that a reasonable fear? What's wrong with me?
In order to give some context, let's flashback to about 10 years ago....
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"Drink! Now! More! Here's another bottle. More! And another! Keep drinkinnnnnnnnng!!!!!!!!!!"
It was like Ursula telling Ariel to keep singing when stealing her voice. But instead, it was the doctor telling me to chug several bottles of a white chalky liquid while they took X-rays of my chest. I don't even remember why I had this procedure, but it was a traumatizing experience. The drinking part was unpleasant, since it was a lot of liquid and it didn't taste good. But that wasn't the worst part. After the exam, I had to wait for the results to be prepared for me on a CD. They said I could wait 30 minutes, or I could come back and pick it up later. I didn't really want to wait, but didn't want to come back later. I decided to wait, and this decision changed my life. The doctor didn't tell me there would be any side effects of drinking the contrast agent. And that almost caused a disaster.
About 15 minutes into waiting, my stomach started gurgling violently and I had to find a toilet. Fast. I frantically ran down the hallway until I found one. Ladies room. No men's room in sight. Screw it. I'd just have to ask for forgiveness later. Luckily nobody was inside, and if they were, they would have evacuated immediately. The white chalky liquid shot out of me like water from a fire hose. It could not be controlled or tamed. It was as if nothing else was in my stomach - only what seemed like gallons of white liquid. The only good news afterwards was that the CD was ready and I didn't have to wait any longer. But I couldn't help but think - what if I hadn't waited for the CD? If I had left the clinic immediately after the appointment, as I normally would have, the emergency would have occurred while I was on the bus going home. What would I have done? I don't think anything could have saved me. I might be an internet meme, or in jail for destroying public property. Or just living my life in utter shame, never able to show my face on that bus route again. I'm stressed just thinking about this close call.
So anyway, that's why pooping on the way to the procedure is my biggest fear of the colonoscopy. And that's probably enough poop talk (for now).
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In the days before my appointment on December 29, I had to do some blood tests and an EKG. This has to be planned in advance because then the anesthesiologist needs to see the results during a consultation prior to the procedure. He seemed nice and competent, which made me feel good. I think a lot of people in Poland do their colonoscopy while awake (why??), but I asked to be asleep. I asked a few friends about their experiences, and it helped to prepare myself mentally.
During the days before the exam, I had to cut out seeds, fruits, nuts and various other foods, including some traditional Polish Christmas fare like beet roots and poppy seeds. (Un)fortunately, it meant not having to being able to eat them during Christmas dinner. If you need an excuse to skip those foods, schedule your colonoscopy right after Christmas.
The day before the procedure, I ate a lot of cooked cereal, miso soup and rice. This wasn't so bad for breakfast and lunch, but at 2pm, I had to start the liquid-only diet. I was hungry already by 6pm and couldn't sit with Z and F when they ate dinner because of the temptation. Surprisingly, after a bit of clear broth and apple juice, the hunger went away. It helped that I was watching the first half of the Seahawks-Panthers game and their offense would make me lose my appetite anyway (it was 3-3 at halftime).
Then came the moment of truth - the first dose of the CitraFleet laxative. The doctor's instructions said to take it at 10pm, then I just sat and watched TV waiting for something to happen. I was ready in a sprinter's starting position in case I needed to run. After an hour, I wanted to go to bed but still nothing was happening down there. I feared what might happen if I fell asleep after a strong laxative, so I stayed awake. The other difficult part is that I had to drink 2 liters of liquid AFTER taking the first dose. It's hard to drink that much, especially at 10pm. I drank a bunch of honey tea, an electrolyte water and more clear broth. I needed something salty because the medicine tasted like Powerade. All the liquid meant needing to pee several times as well. Every time I went to pee, Zosia would ask if I was OK, and sounded disappointed in the "false alarms". When it finally kicked in, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I mean, it was gross and repetitive, but my experience with the contrast agent 10 years ago was much worse.
I ended up "sleeping" on the coach, to not keep waking Zosia up with my bathroom runs. Around 3am, I finally felt calm and could fall asleep.
I also wondered why I had to start the laxative at 10pm. Most people would prefer to sleep, not wait for their stomach to explode. Why not start at 6pm, so that you can finish and be ready for bed at a normal time? Or start at 6am if the appointment is in the afternoon? I guess each clinic has different rules, since I found many different preparation schedules online, some which would have been more comfortable and convenient.
Anyway, the next morning I had more juice and soup and took the second dose of laxative around 10am (for a 4:30pm procedure). The instructions said to take it no later than 4 hours before the appointment, but since the first dose took 5 hours to cycle through, I was worried that 4 hours wasn't enough time. I wanted to do everything in my power to accomplish my single goal - Don't poop on the subway. 10am worked out as the start time, as I was "empty" by around 2pm.
The hard part on that day was that I wasn't supposed to drink anything at all 6 hours before the appointment. The instructions were confusing since it said don't drink anything 6 hours before, but to finish the laxative and 2 liters of liquid no later than 4 hours before. I decided to play it safe and aimed to be done by 6 hours before. However, due to the lack of food, my blood sugar dropped and I started to get weak and sweaty. I wouldn't have managed to last another few hours without some sugar. I read other doctors' instructions online for the same medicine and some of them said you can drink 3-4 hours before the procedure. At 12:30 I had to take a few sips of juice. It helped a lot, but I was a bit worried that only some food would get rid of the shakes, or that the drinking would ruin the preparation and I'd have to reschedule (and repeat everything again). I started imagining (hallucinate would be a strong word, but it felt a bit like it) that I accidentally ate a banana or cookie without realizing it.
Zosia joined me when going to the appointment, since you need to have someone to take you home after the anesthesia. And to wrap a blanket around you if you have an accident in public. I had gone from being shy about the procedure to being somewhat proud when checking in and not caring if anyone else heard me. The preparation was painless, since the nurse found a vein on the first try (it usually takes several pokes). They moved me from the dressing room to the table and everything was very swift. The doctor explained the process, the anesthesiologist said hi and connected the drip without me noticing, the nurse made a joke about going to the beach, and within seconds I got sleepy.
The next thing I knew, they were waking me up to get dressed. I don't remember the time between opening my eyes and walking out of the building with Zosia, but the doctor said the results were good. He also said I'd be farting a lot due to the air pumped into my you-know-what, and boy was he right. Apologies to the people next to me on the subway. But just know that it could have been worse!
I thought I'd be super hungry so I brought post-procedure snacks, but I didn't have much of an appetite. The next morning I was starving because there was a lot of empty space in there. As I was eating, I kept hesitating and worrying I was eating something I shouldn't. It felt good to have freedom again. I didn't feel any effects of the procedure at all; in fact, it felt a bit like a dream. And the whole thing was manageable enough that I won't dread doing it again in 5-10 years. So if you're "of age" and haven't done yours yet, go do it! It's definitely worth the peace of mind, or in the worst scenario, knowing what's going on so that you can do something to fix it. You'll be able to talk about butts and poop with my son without embarrassment.
And I promise I will understand if you crap your pants on the subway.
