Join me on my adventures around Poland and the rest of Europe as I explore the different sights, cultures, and perspectives it has to offer. Along the way I will attempt to find the best food, the most scenic views, and the interestingest people...all while trying not to make a fool of myself, get kidnapped, or fall off a cliff. I hope you enjoy!
After our first wedding in Vegas, Zosia and I were lucky to be able to spend several days with our friends who traveled from Europe at the Grand Canyon and in Seattle. Our Friendmoon was so much fun that after Wedding part II in Poland, we decided to have a Familymoon with my dad, bro, his amazing now-wife Thea, and Aunty Sara. Just a couple days after the big party, we were still flying high; from seeing friends and family from all over the world, the weather that held up, our somewhat complicated first dance, not messing up my Polish wedding vows too badly, the food, fireworks, campfire s’mores, and all those who helped make everything go smoothly. Sadly, we didn’t have a chance to hang out with everyone enough...so maybe we should have had an Everyonemoon.
Familymoon time
Brilliant Husky jerseys from the Brimmers
We wanted to pick a place where none of us had been before, and since I had always wanted to travel through the fjords in Norway, we thought why not. Especially if dad was paying! Just kidding, but not really...
Norway is an expensive place, and since I now have a Polish family, we prepared in the Polish way. That is, we packed several days of food and took it with us. I don’t mean packages of uncooked food from the grocery store. I mean we cut up the bread from the wedding ceremony and made 10 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The ceremonial bread is what the parents present to the couple before they enter the party, along with a shot of vodka. The bread has a hole filled with salt to add some taste. Not sure who needs the salt during the ceremony but I guess you don’t argue with tradition. I forgot about this literal salt mine, and bit into it when eating breakfast one day. I don't know if you've ever bitten into a large amount of salt, but it actually made my head hurt. It felt like a small electrocution. I can still taste the salt overdose just thinking about it. The day after the wedding we had a pizza party in Warsaw and had a few slices leftover. Those were lunch on Day 2 in Norway. Aunty Sara also cooked several times after grocery shopping which also helped keep (dad’s) costs down.
This...
...turned into this
The sandwiches were better than this whale sausage
Wizzair has cheap flights from Warsaw to Bergen, and since we weren't really interested in Oslo, Bergen was the winner. Luckily everyone was super easy going and flexible. Bergen has a nice waterfront and good seafood, but the beauty of the city is up in the hills with a wide view of the natural landscape. We went up the mountain with a gorgeous city view and did a short hike, then went to the visitors’ center to plan our journey to the fjords. Unfortunately we didn’t have enough time to do the iconic places you see when you Google “Norway fjord” but we did see some incredible stuff.
On the first night I did something with dad and Sara that I don’t think we had ever done before; we went to a bar. Granted, it was an ice bar where everything was an artistic ice sculpture, but it was a bar nonetheless. We had several laughs when posing for photos and goofing around. And most of that was from dad and Sara. I’m also constantly reminded how Zosia is so good at creating a happy environment for everyone, because everyone seems to be smiling when she's around.
Zosia goofing around, as usual
Inside the ice bar
Bergen was founded in the 11th century, and has a fortress that dates to the 13th century. We only needed a couple hours to walk around the city and visit the Rosencrantz tower. We couldn't help but imagine all the vikings that passed through. Of course Bergen is a city centered on fishing and sea activities (and sea food). We had a delicious giant platter of seafood under the waterfront tents in the pouring rain, which was probably the best meal of the trip.
Yes, please
Our cruise through the fjords started with a train ride to Flam. We booked it at the tourist center and it turned out to be exactly what we were looking for. There was a "normal" train ride to Myrdal, then the famous Flam railway up the mountains, through valleys and past waterfalls. It was a beautiful route, and apparently one of the most visited attractions in Norway. We stayed in Flam for the night, after a walk around the village and overlooking another fjord. Dinner at the Ægirbrewpub was great. I just wanted to writeÆgir, because that's a crazy word (I had to copy and paste from the internet because I have no idea how to make that letter on my keyboard).
In the morning before the cruise, we made sandwiches at the buffet breakfast to eat for lunch and literally saved $100. The boat ride to Gundvagen went through a very narrow fjord. The sky was blue and it was a bit cold (even in August) but beautiful. There were small villages and random houses along the coast and we all wondered how they got there. At the time I wanted to retire in a place like this. Now, I would accept retirement anywhere. The water looked like glass it was so still. I was mesmerized as the boat cut through it, and could have stared at it all day.
On the train to Flam
Just a regular, everyday, normal fjord
Stealing a few quiet moments on the ferry
Once in Gundvagen, we had to visit the Viking village. It's set up to look like a village from 1000 years ago, and although it's a tourist attraction, supposedly the employees are not "actors", but people who actually live this lifestyle. I mean, they all looked like vikings, so I believe it. It was fun to throw axes, shoot some arrows, and see little huts where they lived. The "locals" were very friendly and funny. If you haven't watched the TV series Vikings, I highly recommend it, at least the early seasons. There were seasons and episodes that I looked forward to more than Game of Thrones (and also Norsemen, which is a parody of these types of shows, a little like Monty Python).
Waterfalls from afar
A scary Viking and a guy with long hair
Z showing her skills
After that it was back to Bergen for one last night before Z and I flew back to Warsaw and dad and company flew to Iceland for an even bigger adventure. We joked that after we brought food from Poland to Norway in order to save money, they should bring food from Norway to Iceland to save money as well. Turned out we were right as Iceland is even more expensive! We shoulda gone with them while dad was paying!
It's been almost a year and a half since our Vegas wedding, which was definitely the experience of a lifetime. But if there is anything better than one experience of a lifetime, it's two experiences of a lifetime.
Most people who go to Vegas to get married do it to avoid the hassle of a big blow-out "traditional" wedding. Nobody likes to argue with the family about whom to invite, where people should sit, worrying about logistics for guests, finding a DJ and photographer, weather problems, and all the decorations. What about entertainment for kids? Should we even invite kids? Oh, and finding a venue and a church that will allow a non-Catholic to get married there. And not to mention the cost. Who wants to deal with all of that? Obviously, we did! I guess?
Family
But oh yes, it was worth it. We spent hours and days watching other people's wedding videos and checking their photographs. We poured through Etsy for ideas on decorations and entertainment. We made a thousand origami cranes. It took a couple months, making them in front of the TV, on airplanes, even at work for one of us (ahem). And it was kind of sad when they were finished. Luckily it took another couple weeks to put them on strings to hang.
Weeks' worth of cranes
There were some things that we didn't want to draw out so we did them quickly, and others that took more time. I spent about 3 minutes picking a shirt and tie to go with a recently purchased on-sale suit. Zosia liked shopping for wedding dresses so much that she bought two. We had to meet with priests from 3 different churches to get approval; the church in Czersk where the wedding took place, Zosia's church in Mokotów where she attended regularly, and the church near our apartment to get permission to have a wedding in someone else's district (and so that they could announce the wedding and allow for anyone to oppose it). Zosia's mom also went to the church in Eastern Poland where Zosia was baptized to get her paperwork. Zosia was amazing at keeping track of all of these things, and I just appeared where I was supposed to appear, and pretended to understand Polish when they talked to me.
On one of the visits to Czersk without a car, we got stranded on a freezing February evening and waited for an hour in the cold for the bus to come. It never came, and since Czersk is a quiet town, there was no other public transport late on a Friday evening. We went back to the Church to ask the priest for help, and one of his friends who was hanging out after Friday service happily drove us to the next town so we could find a taxi home.
During these "challenges" we thought about Vegas, where it took about 10 minutes to apply for and receive a marriage license, but our adventures in Warsaw didn't deter us. After sending the invitations, we were excited for every attendance confirmation, especially from guys who actually wanted to travel to spend the day with us. We were humbled how willing people were to get to Warsaw. And of the people who had to take a tram or Uber to get there are also appreciated!
Speaking of invitations, we wanted to "save" the environment (and money, who am I kidding) by creating postcard invitations and electronic RSVPs, rather than those invitations with 7 different pieces of paper of various sizes and thickness and envelopes in one. I still don't know what you're supposed to write in that blank space next to the "M" on those fancy RSVP cards. And in Polish tradition, we tried to meet most people in person to give the invitation and receive the RSVPs. We didn't have a wedding cake; instead spending barely $40 on supplies to make s'mores by the campfire (some of which accidentally disappeared on the bus ride to the venue). And like most Polish weddings, we brought our own alcohol, which made it even cheaper.
A friend from Prague told me about her own wine tasting party, where they had to test wines they wanted at their wedding. It sounded like a great idea, so we bought a bunch of wines and invited people over to help. 20+ bottles later, we ended up with Georgian red and a Portuguese white. Not only is Georgian wine delicious and cheap, Georgia is also a meaningful place to us, and reminds me of my mom, since we were on a trip to Georgia when she died a couple years before. I'll never forget the sunrise the next morning when I could feel her presence all around us. We chose Portuguese because it is also a good value, but because we spent a week in Portugal after we got engaged. When there are millions of wines to choose from, it's easier to narrow it down if they have some meaning.
We took a few other ideas from a friend at work, like putting out jars for people to write notes of advice, stories or messages for us to open after 1, 10, and 25 years. We also bought a bunch of flip flops for ladies with high heels and umbrellas in case of rain. Although we were frugal in some areas, we decided to splurge on a videographer with a drone. The castle at Czersk and the venue Firleje were great for this. Zosia was concerned that the castle wouldn't allow it, but the videographer had the approach of "just do it" and see if they try to stop us.
Tomek and Zosia's mom helped a lot with transportation, setting up, flowers, signs, and decorations. Tomek even took days off from work to help us. You don't think of how many things you have to do, from flower centerpieces, signs for the table assignments, name tents, and all the other decorations. When we picked up the fireworks, we didn't have space in the trunk of Tomek's car, so Zosia had to literally sit on top of a box of explosives. Luckily there were no events at Firleje the day before, so we were able to set everything up on Friday.
Don't fart on the explosives!
There were so many things that we needed help with on the day: Ania and Lukasz driving us around, guys at the Sheraton who stored and carried stuff for us, Doremi and Garth organizing the bus rides, guys serving drinks at the castle, my bro helping with the many generous gifts (and being my "witness" even though he had no idea what the Polish speaking priest was saying), our impromptu flower girl, Ania and Ash with beautiful speeches (and Ash's balloon animals), Tomek put together a lovely video, Alan provided Alanówka, and all the people movers, vodka pushers, and influencers who ensured everyone had a good time. Zosia's dad also helped financially which was a blessing. Once everything was set up, we really didn't have any stress on the day, because there were so many people taking care of us.
Ania was Zosia's maid of honor
I was Zosia's groom
We originally thought it would be nice to have the wedding in Czersk, after visiting with Colin and Rachel several months before. We asked at the castle if they have wedding receptions there since the church is just next door, and they looked at us like we were crazy. But the idea of wedding photos inside the castle stayed in our heads, and I didn't understand how it wasn't a "thing" already. We didn't want to do the party there, but at least stop in for some photos and bubbly drinks. The biggest problem was that it was an hour outside of Warsaw, and that we didn't love any of the reception venues in the neighborhood. Plus, having church weddings where you don't have any connections is often hard to do. So we set that idea aside. We visited many possible venues, in the country side, in the city, near a lake. Some were too small, some were too fancy. One was amazing, but they treated us like they were doing us a favor just by letting us visit, and it would be difficult logistically. Finally we found Firleje, which offered the countryside feel we wanted, a lot of space, a good price, and a very attentive event planner, Agata. None of the other places advertised any kind of help, let alone friendly and willing help. That was all we needed, and we were sold.
But what about the church? Could we find one nearby? (nope). Did we still want to go to Czersk? (yep). Unfortunately we still faced the issue that we weren't from Czersk, nor did we ever attend church there. Why would they allow us to take up one of their valuable summer Saturday wedding slots? Then we caught a lucky break. Zosia's dad (a surgeon) told us about a patient he just met who was from a small town outside of Warsaw. One that we might be interested in meeting. The mayor....of CZERSK! She was lovely and immediately introduced us to the priest in Czersk, and everything was set. Someone (or something) was looking out for us big time.
Hugs in Czersk castle
Throwing the bride, because why not
Agata was amazing. Let's just start with that. I didn't think we'd get this much help when we started this process. She answered a million questions, was always available, WANTING to help, not making us feel like we were bothering her. She even met us for a drink in the city, to discuss logistics and introduce us to her friend who also got married in Firleje to answer any questions. We had a couple small hesitations about the venue, regarding the dim lighting, far distance, and dietary needs of some guests (vegan, gluten-free, lactose-free, etc), and she made everything seem so simple. She suggested the DJ, who turned out great and could announce everything in both English and Polish, and made sure we had all the on-site help we needed. The only downside is that it wasn't close to home. Nor to Czersk. So we got comfortable with the fact that guests would spend nearly 3 hours in the bus that day. One hour from Warsaw to Czersk, another hour to Firleje, and a third hour to get back home. If we could entertain them with vodka, spam musubi, and games, we figured they'd survive. Even if not everyone "survived" the ride home.
I can't say that I was actually nervous for the wedding. It was amazing to see all our friends and family there, but since we had already "practiced" in Vegas, I didn't feel any pressure. Except for having to repeat the vows in Polish. I had to practice quite a bit before, and it turned out that I was only prepared for part of it. I don't know if the priest forgot to warn me about the second part, or if I just blacked out. But when he started asking me to say more stuff in Polish, I panicked a little bit because I didn't know what he said. The priest decided that we didn't need a translator, since I claimed to understand what I was saying. To test this during one of our meetings, he told Zosia (in Polish), "I'm going to check if he knows what I am saying", then asked me "what time does the wedding start?". That was it. That was the test. But in fact, this was not actually testing my knowledge of the Polish language, it was testing my ability to keep track of our wedding schedule. Luckily, the answer was 3pm, and he was convinced. The priest was pretty intimidating and direct during our meetings, but during the ceremony he was the sweetest guy we could have asked for. Many people even commented later how nice he was.
The ceremony
All smiles
Everyone inside the castle walls
Zosia was also stressed for the first dance, but somehow I wasn't worried. I guess since everyone knows she can dance after years in a dance/performance team, she felt pressure to look good, while I just had to look like the clumsy groom, which is pretty standard for wedding dances. However, we didn't want to have something slow and sappy. We tried to make something fun, telling the story of our time together through lyrics of different songs. We procrastinated long enough in our preparations that I was beginning to think I wouldn't have to do any dance, but finally Zosia decided we needed to be at the gym at 6am every day to practice in front of the mirror in the fitness room. After a few days of working on the choreography and morning practice, I started looking forward to our rehearsals. I'd jump out of bed in the morning, and pretended we were in the show "Dancing with the Stars". The professional (Zosia) was teaching the hopeless one (me) how to do it. It turns out I wasn't so terrible.
Showing off her sweet moves
Andy made a cameo appearance
The weather was great, it wasn't too hot and the rain stayed away. We were worried it would be too hot, which it was inside, but since we could go out for fireworks, s'mores, flip cup, and just to hang, there was no problem. I was happy that we started the party with the traditional bread and vodka greeting from the parents, then danced the Polonez in a huge circle outside (which looked great from the drone). It was also nice of the kids to let me break the pinata later.
My favorite part of the Polish wedding tradition
Polonez dance out front
Zosia's favorite part: s'mores
The day flew by, and just like everyone says, it was difficult to be able to spend time with everyone. But it was SO MUCH FUN. From the dancing to speeches, videos, games, catching up with people, the hugs, inspirational talks, and just the feeling of love. We were so happy to see all of our family and friends in one place. It was unreal for me to see so many friends from Seattle and different times of our lives come together. For some of us, we hadn't been together in the same room at the same time for 20 years. The party went until after 3am, which still felt like a snap of the fingers. Had the wedding been in the Seattle or Hawaii, not only would it have cost 3 times more, but it would have finished at 11pm and we would have 4 fewer hours of memories. It's great that people make the effort to say a few personal words during the reception line, because sometimes that's the most you'll be able to talk to people in the night. Except in Poland you feel like you should drink vodka with everyone, so I was busy trying to accomplish that goal. I tried to eat whenever I could, but Zosia didn't eat much. There were a ton of leftovers, so she was able to finish them for the next week, and even a year later, we still have some leftover alcohol (for 120 guests we budgeted 1 bottle of vodka, half bottle of wine, and a third bottle of prosecco per person, plus a couple kegs of beer, which left us with 60-70 leftover bottles in the end). But I guess that's better than the opposite, which would be dealing with a revolution when the drinks run out. We've since experimented making different flavored and fruit infused vodka.
We of course have to say thanks to my dad, who was very supportive and easy going, and sponsored dinner the night before for our families to meet and to welcome our friends from home. I will also remember the moment that Kevin showed up after Friday dinner and found us on the street outside of a bar, and everything became real. The gang was all there.
The second wedding was a success, and now we're wondering when (and where) to have the third. It's probably time for it!
We can't stop watching these, so apologies if you are sick of it, but here's our wedding video "trailer" and our first dance. Special thanks to our wonderful photographer Pawel Kotas and videographer team from Spark. We highly recommend them!
After Zosia and I got engaged on her birthday in 2017, I thought she might be looking for another birthday surprise in 2018. I thought maybe I could get away with just a balloon and a cupcake, but I probably have to let her down slowly...can't just give up completely, right? At least not for another year or two. So I decided to plan a trip without telling her the destination. She packed her bags, we headed to the Modlin airport (so she knew it was a RyanAir destination), and I asked her to guess where we were going. She looked at the departures board but couldn’t guess, so I gave her a clue: a piece of paper with images of some temples and gods, the seaside and souvlaki. It took her only a few seconds to scream “Ateny!!” after she noticed the Parthenon. She had always wanted to go to Greece, especially after we visited Macedonia the previous year. I was happy the destination was approved.
Athens is named after Athena (or vice versa), the goddess of war, who was born out of Zeus’s head. I’ve always been a fan of Greek mythology (and the re-named Roman versions - for example, Athena is Minerva), but I wonder if people actually believed someone was born out of someone else’s head? She was supposedly cut out of his head by Hephaestus. How does that even work? Athena and Poseidon had some sort of competition to become protector of the city. To influence the decision makers, Athena gifted them an olive tree while Poseidon gave water. They chose Athena, so Poseidon got to hang out at Sounio (his temple is beautiful there), and the rest is history.
View of the Acropolis from our apartment balcony
Besides the Gods and Goddesses, the “real” ancient history is fascinating. From the first Olympic Games, the original marathon, all of the famous Emperors, philosophers, fraternities and sororities, and even the language.
The city itself has not done well since the financial crisis. They struggle to support themselves and tourism is barely keeping them afloat. The city is somewhat dirty, but still packed with visitors, restaurants (and greeters who really test your patience when trying to get you to go inside), pedestrian areas, street vendors, marble, smokers, and cats. Zosia took more photos of cats than of the ancient sites.
We joined a free walking tour, which took us around to many nice parts of the city: We saw the white houses of the Anafiotika neighborhood, churches, the national garden, parliament, the agora, and of course the sweaty hike up to the Parthenon on the Acropolis. After a while, you kinda get numb to the thousands of years old buildings and ruins. Down below, the size of the columns of Zeus’s temple were impressive. That’s what she said.
Blending in in Anafiotika
Parthenon
Zeus's ancient graffiti has lasted a long time
Zeus's temple is small?
Nope! We're so sneaky.
We also took a trip out to Poseidon’s temple, 30 minutes down the coast. It was super windy but the scenery was beautiful. The rocky coast reminded me of driving along Maui towards Lahaina, or around Big Sur in California. I guess we sometimes forget to appreciate what we have in the US.
Poseidon's temple
And oh, the food. And free tap water. That's money. Literally. You don't have to buy water in restaurants. And it’s nearly impossible to be on a street without a restaurant. That's a lot of free water. And outdoor seating. There were so many mouth watering places that we were always hungry. We had good, cheap seafood at a place called Atlantikos, and we tried another place recommended by our guide with a sign I can’t read (so don’t know the name). The place was so busy that the waiter was sweaty from running around so much. On our way out I poked my head to the kitchen where he was catching his breath to tell him we appreciated his hard work.
Luckily Zosia also likes to eat and try different things, so we were happy to order a lot and share. In just a weekend, we found many dishes we knew from eating in other countries, but the "original" versions somehow tasted better.
Delish
Greek yogurt (of course) - which was thicker than the Carrefour brand, served with honey and fruit
Znakopita - spinach pie
Moussaka - we made some when we got home
Meat and souvlaki pita, where we learned that "gyros" is the meat shaved from a giant spit (what they call "kebab" in Poland), but kebab is minced meat grilled on its own individual skewer
Fava puree - Hannibal would be proud
Dolma
Pita and Tzatziki
Fried eggplant with yogurt and tomato sauce on pita
Greek salad - it really is Greek!
Ryba po grecku (just kidding, this was nowhere to be found).
For those unfamiliar, “ryba po grecku” means “fish in Greek style”, and is a very common dish served at Polish Christmas. Nobody has been able to explain why they call it "Greek style", as it’s definitely not Greek. But anyway, I really like it, which shows how much I like Greek food...just put the work “Greek” in the title and I’m a fan. Greek sheep intestines? Ok no, it doesn't work for everything.
After such a nice trip, I'm already starting to plan Zosia's next birthday surprise....in Radom.
I quickly got undressed when I heard him call out. "I'm here! Are you ready?" I hurriedly kicked off my socks and the rest of my clothes, slipping on my flip flops. I didn't want to make him wait; after all he was doing me a favor. "One second please," I begged. I pulled the curtain back and stepped in the shower, nervously proclaiming "OK, I'm ready!" and he let me have it. I waited a few seconds in the chilly air, until the hot water finally started pouring down on me. I lathered up quickly, not knowing how long it would last. I shouted back to the nice man "OK, you can stop for now. But I need to rinse still, so don't go away yet!" He couldn't hear me. "How much hot water do I have left?" I had to repeat a couple times, loud enough for everyone in the camp to hear. "10 liters," came the response finally. I realized I asked the wrong question, because I had no idea how much shower you can take with 10 liters of water. Is that enough to savor the warm feeling, to let the water run down your face and the back of your neck for a few seconds? Or did I have to hurry and risk being left with soapy hair? After another minute, I shouted back to him "OK, hot water, please!" I didn't take any chances. I rinsed as fast as I could, but still felt as good as new. After a day long game drive in the hot Serengeti, I was happy to be clean. "Thank you, I'm done! But now can you do my wife?" I guess I should explain that the guy was standing OUTSIDE of the tent. Every time we'd ask for hot water, he'd pour some in a small bucket, use a pulley to raise the bucket high enough so gravity would force the water down a tube and into the shower stall which was a separate part of our tent. He couldn't see inside (I hope), so it wasn't as creepy as it might sound. But it also wasn't the least awkward thing I've ever done, shouting to a stranger to "give me more" while naked in a shower.
The black tank is for toilet/sink water, while the small bucket on a pulley was used to deliver hot water for the shower in the tent
We learned a lot on our recent safari in Tanzania, visiting Arusha NP, Serengeti NP, and Ngorongoro Crater, so we thought we’d share a few tips. Not only on how to make your shower the least awkward as possible, but generally the best way to survive a safari.
The first assumption is that you actually want to survive a safari. If you prefer to get chewed up by a pack of hyenas, trampled by a disgruntled buffalo, or gored in the face by a rhino, all for an awesome viral video, that's also understandable.
The most important thing is to hire a guide to whom you can ask stupid questions and bother with things he/she has heard a thousand times already. They will do their best to act interested when you excitedly tell them you saw a monkey scratching his butt or an elephant rolling in the mud. Or a gazelle just standing there. Imagine if someone started yelling to you how they just saw a Polish guy eating pierogi. I see this every day, but they don't see it often in Africa. A POLISH GUY! HE WAS WITH HIS BABY AND DRINKING WATER!!!!! AND THEN HE LAID DOWN AND IT WAS SO CUTE!!!!! Now YOU try to act interested when someone says that. Not easy. That's how hard they work to make you feel special.
Guides are also important because somehow they have GPS in their brains to get around the parks without any signs or directions. I felt like we were driving in circles the whole time, but Ben (from Shemeji Safari Tours) always knew exactly where we were, where the animals were, and how much fuel we had left in the car to get home. Actually, maybe we WERE driving in circles.
Cheers to our guide, Ben!
Now that the obvious point is out of the way, here are our tips.
Swahili language
Here are a few words you need to know:
-Jambo means "hello", and everyone will say it to you. They are not calling you fat (jumbo), nor offering you a fruit smoothie (Jamba juice). Smile and offer an awkward “heyyyy” like I always do.
-Mambo is the plural of jambo and used interchangeably. I laughed about 50 times thinking that "mambo jambo" are real words. I also enjoyed the 5th time someone said “mambo” to us. “That was Mambo number 5!” I giggling to myself.
-Simba is the Swahili word for "lion". This leaves me with mixed feelings since it means our favorite Disney hero had a pretty boring name. Is that the best that Mufasa could think of? It's like if we called our kids "child" and "human". Are they gonna tell me now that Sebastian is French for “worrisome crab” and Mulan is Mandarin for “awesome warrior princess who sometimes dresses like a boy”?
-Safari refers to any kind of "journey"; not only for animal watching. So I decided to call my daily walks to work "safaris".
-Asante is “thank you”. Asante for reading this far.
-Shilling is the local currency. No wonder the waiter ran away when I offered to give him 10,000 “shingles”
-Karibu means “welcome”. You will hear this a lot because the people (in Tanzania at least) are incredibly welcoming
-Rafiki means “friend”. I like this reference because I loved Rafiki in the Lion King. I got the warm and fuzzies the first time I watched the opening scene when he walked thru the crowd all serious and important, and gave Mufasa a warm hug.
-Pumbaa doesn’t mean anything but everyone calls warthogs “pumbaas”. This is fun, but why don’t they call any other animals from Lion King their character’s names? Timon? Nala? Zazu?
The little pumbaas were so adorable!
Clothing and shelter
When you're on safari, you are obviously spending a lot of time in nature. Wear clothes you don’t mind getting dirty or stained by the pen you used filling out the immigration form at the airport but lost the cap and put it in your pocket. Also, safari trucks have tops or sides that open up so the dirt is always coming into the car. You’ll have a nice brown or red layer on everything. Please also cover your camera and phone to prevent damage.
Obviously you want to wear stylish and breathable khaki hiking pants, which can convert into shorts. They look cool, are temperature cool, cover your legs when necessary, and are easy to wash and dry overnight. Don’t worry if they’re too long because I can show you how to use rubber bands around your ankles to prevent them from dragging on the ground. This also prevents mosquitoes from sneaking up your pant legs. Maybe consider a bigger size because you will eat a lot and get no exercise because you’re sitting in the car for 10 hours a day. You will probably get fat.
How cool do we look?
My own brilliant invention. You're welcome. Except wear long socks.
A light weight, breathable long sleeve safari shirt is optional if you want to look even cooler. I'm still not sure if it's better to have the same exact color as your pants, or to have some variety. You could actually survive with just t-shirts in the day and a sweatshirt or light jacket at night. But please also consider if your arms might get sunburned, and if so, having sleeves could be useful. I prefer technical running race shirts, to show off achievements from my past, but also because they’re easier than cotton to wash, dry and reuse.
If staying in a tented lodge (a huge tent with a bathroom and bed), you might need long sleeves when sleeping. It gets cold at night in the bush and if a hyena or buffalo comes into your tent, you might need to run outside to save yourself while your wife is still trying to find her jacket. This didn’t happen to us, but I was prepared.
Sunglasses and a hat from your favorite sports team are important, just in case someone notices it and you can talk about your favorite sports. But we wouldn’t know because nobody wanted to talk to me about the Huskies, nor Zosia about the Mariners.
Go local sports teams!
Alternatively you can buy a full safari brimmed hat that you will probably never wear again after the trip, because you're self conscious that people would ask you why you are wearing that stupid hat to a baseball game or to the shopping mall. If you don’t have a full brimmed hat, bring a scarf or something to cover your neck in the sun. Obviously sunblock is also important, unless you don’t like the feeling of sunblock on your skin, in which case you can just get burned and complain about it later. Not that this happened to anyone on our trip whose name starts with a Z.
We saw people wearing hiking boots, but we just wore running shoes. Unless you plan some hard core hiking (or it's really wet), you don't need anything special. And bring flip flops for inside your tent or your room, as well as in the showers. They aren’t dirty, but they don’t feel super clean either. Ideally, steal some house slippers from the hotel where you have a layover (I recommend Doha) and use those.
Protection of self and property
If you go in the winter, the shops in your home town might not be selling mosquito spray, so you should definitely pay a lot of money to buy at least four different types of spray online, because you’re not sure if 50% DEET, 25% DEET or non DEET is more effective and better for your skin and clothes. It's better to just buy everything, and pay a crap ton for fast shipping. A pro tip is to spray repellent on old strips of cloth and wrap these around your ankles and wrists (seriously). It's good to overreact because in the end you might only use 1/3 of one bottle, so now you have several unused bottles of spray to use for the next several exotic trips.
We actually have a fifth unused bottle as well. SMH.
Every hotel and rest area we came across had western toilets and stocked toilet paper, but you never know when you might have to squat in the literal bush. I actually peed when staring a lion in the face. Not in my pants though, I'm just saying that you never know when you might have to go. You might want to carry some extra TP around to not recreate problems from previous trips, in case you’ve ever had such problems on the side of a hill next to a highway in Georgia (the country). Also bring wet wipes to wash up before and after eating picnic lunches in the middle of the park.
And chocolate melts in your pocket when it’s hot out. Oops.
Preparation of your mind and body
Do some squats to train before the trip. You will stand up from your seat to look out of the top of the car at least 50,000 times.
You'll stand up a lot to look out of the open roof and pretend you're petting a lion
Get your vaccinations and bring malaria pills. It turns out that nobody in Tanzania or Zanzibar checked our vaccinations, but apparently they could have. Nothing is actually required unless you come from a place that has yellow fever. You usually have to take malaria pills for a week after the trip is over, so that's fun. Luckily we didn't have any stomach problems during the trip, but after we got home, the malarone pills were beating up our stomachs.
You might not always have high water pressure and hot water. To prepare for this, you should practice taking showers with cold water from slow dripping faucets just so you won’t be disappointed. Or just don’t wash your hair for 5 days, like some people in our group of two, and see what happens. Practice pouring hot water on each other from a bucket, just like they did to us in the Serengeti.
Research the animals, country and culture a little bit before you go. Be prepared for intelligent conversations with the guide, not assuming his country is the same as every other country in Africa. For example, if you tell a story that starts with “when I was in South Africa....” your guide might be thinking “who cares, this is not South Africa”. He also probably doesn’t have any thoughts on vacations to the Egyptian seaside. We know, because we asked.
Be prepared to be humbled if you think you’ll see animals before your guide does. I tried to be competitive and announce animals first, but usually it ended with him saying “there’s a leopard”, me pretending to see it at first, then him knowing from my voice that I lied when I said “oh ya I see it”. So he’d take a photo with my camera, zoom in on the picture and he’d show me the spot where it was. Sometimes I still didn’t see it.
Ben saw this leopard from a kilometer away, and when we got close, I still couldn't see it. Can you?
And don't call out “lion!” until you're reasonably sure it's not a termite hill.
What else to bring
You’ll need a UK power adapter, and I suggest one with multiple USB ports to be able to charge many things at once. Some lodges may have limited hours on when you can charge stuff, but the safari truck should have an outlet you can use on the road.
Bring the longest zoom lens for your camera that a friend will give you. We got a 70-300mm lens from Philippe and it was awesome. I also think that this size is the limit of when you are still cool, but not a jackass. If your camera lens is so long that when hanging from your neck it hits you in the balls when you walk, you deserve it.
With a big zoom, you will see this...
...instead of this.
Your guide might have binoculars, but if you have some laying around at home, bring them (ya right, who has binoculars at home?)
Bring a flashlight if staying in the bush. It's creepy to see all of the glowing eyes staring at you when you shine your light into the bushes at night. But addicting.
You'll need cash for souvenirs and tips for the guide and hotel staff. This is important, as the staff are SUPER helpful and they work hard for these tips. Usually there is a shared tip box, which the staff splits so you don’t have to tip each individual. Each person should plan on giving $10-15 per day for the hotels and guide, each. It's worth it!
An alarm clock for when you have to wake up at 5 am will come in handy. It will happen more often than you want.
Your favorite wife or friend can make the experience more fun, and consider a stuffed animal because they also have feelings and appreciate being around other animals.
Your animals want to meet new friends
Practical tips
Ask for the WiFi password so you can upload photos and everyone at home will be annoyed at the constant posting to social media. Though the WiFi doesn’t always work so well, and sometimes not at all. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of other stuff to do, like spending 30 minutes trying to get the WiFi to work.
Stay awake in the car when driving. You don’t wanna miss a thing. Unless you like naps more than watching humping zebras.
Tell the hotel chefs if you have any dietary restrictions so they can make something for dinner and for your boxed lunch (the food was really good). Lactose intolerance plus eating milk and cheese in the car does not equal a happy 8 hour game drive.
Your safari guide will provide you with water, so make sure you drink it. It’s easy to get dehydrated, and seeing millions of animals can distract you from drinking.
Consider the time of year you are going. Ask the local tour companies if you aren't sure. We went at the end of rainy season which meant chance of rain, but also meant everything was super green. It was gorgeous. We even brought ponchos but luckily didn’t need them.
You might need to bring a guy with a gun if you're walking around the bush
Animal observations
Don’t leave food where baboons can get to them (like in your tent), and be careful when eating outside as they can run up and steal your stuff from right in front of you. And don’t feed animals on purpose, even cute little birds that look at you with sweet eyes while you eat a piece of chicken on your picnic. Don’t even think about touching the animals (ahem, Zosia)
Lions don’t respond to “here kitty kitty."
It's worth planning a visit to correspond with the wildebeest migration, and where most of them will be during that time of year. In the right places, you can look anywhere and see hundreds, if not thousands of them without even trying. In fact, we saw so many that they were burned into our corneas....I still saw them when closing my eyes for bed.
Practice touching and being around creepy bugs and spiders so you don’t get scared when they land on your shoulder, your dinner plate, or your bed. Or in the shower. And practice sleeping next to a heavy snorer to prepare you for the noises that come from outside your tent at night.
On the first day you will ask the driver to stop so you can take pictures of every antelope, zebra and monkey that you see. After that you won’t even notice them and will scoff at other “first-day safari tourists” who keep pulling over to spend 5 minutes taking photos of a gazelle. Nobody cares about gazelles after the first day.
Frolicking lion cubs are more interesting than watching an antelope eating grass
Leopards are shy - they are usually laying high up in the trees and are hard to see.
Hippos are assholes - they twirl their tail when pooping so it sprays all over everyone nearby.
Giraffes are elegant - I couldn't stop starting, no matter how we saw. But you still can’t ride them.
Buffalo are dangerous - they attack people because we don’t respect them enough. They are the “nobody cares about seeing them” animal from the Big 5 (the Big 5 being lion, leopard, elephant, rhino and buffalo). See, all of them get you excited except buffalo. But when there were a bunch sleeping outside the balcony of our hotel room in Ngorongoro, that was cool.
All baby animals are the cutest thing ever. Especially pumbaas.
Wildebeest and zebras are a good pair - the reason they migrate together is that wildebeest know how to follow the rain, and Zebras are better at remembering the way back. Every year, 2 million wildebeest travel from Tanzania to Kenya and back, chasing the good grass, as they say in Washington and Colorado. The migration also affects predators like lions, because they face a shortage of food when the wildebeest disappear. At least that's what David Attenborough said on the Nature's Great Events documentary (not to be confused with Richard Attenborough from Jurassic Park). They showed video of some really skinny lions, so it must be true. The wildebeest are still finding ways to screw over the lions ever since they trampled Mufasa.
The last tip is to head to the beach for some relaxation after several days on the go. I mean, why wouldn't you?
Zanzibar is waiting...
And if you haven't seen it yet, here's the music video from our trip:
