What's my name again?

I'm not sure if this counts as an identity crisis, but it's possible.

I've found out that even though my name is Tristan, it's not really what Polish people say when using it in a sentence.

I've discovered at least 7 varieties of my name that are grammatically correct....and they aren't nicknames. These are actual words that if a Polish person were to use my name in a sentence, they would say it like this without even thinking about it. Like they have to say it like this. Their mouth won't let them say otherwise. It's like trying to say "Hippopotamus" but "Hip Hop Omomous" comes out every time. They just can't help it.

Here are my names, in no particular order:

(Disclaimer: I am obviously still learning Polish grammar, so I cannot say this is 100% accurate...but I promise nothing is exaggerated!).

Tristan - It's the name I was given. You may know me by this name. But apparently they don't.
Tristana - My least favorite of the options. It sounds ilke a girl's name. I went through enough growing up with people calling me "Kristin" all the time (either on accident or on purpose). I don't need that here too. They would use this to say (in Polish of course) "I like Tristana" (No, apparently you DON'T, if that's what you call me), "That is not Tristana" (Which is a true statement), or "That book belongs to Tristana" (Who? That girl over there?).
Tristanem - This is a bit more masculine. Almost like King Arthur's knight Tristram. You would use this to say "I am with Tristanem". Knight of the Round Table.  But still, it's not me.
Tristanie - Almost as bad as when my co-workers in Seattle called me "Trizzie". Yes, they did. That's the kind of respect I got/get at work. It brings back some nice memories, but I would still prefer a different name here in Poland. If someone were calling out to me on the street, they would yell "Tristanie!!!". But you can bet I won't be answering to that. 
Tristanowi - This is the most interesting of them. This would be used to say "I am looking at Tristanowi". Just as a reminder, in Polish, the 'W' is pronounced like a 'V' in English. If the W in Tristanowi was pronounced like an English W, I would not find this interesting at all. It would sound like you are saying "tristan" but then exclaiming how painful it is to look at me. "I am looking at Tristan-OWWWEEEEEE! MY EYEESSSSS!!!!". But since it's pronounced like a V it sounds a little better. Don't you forget that. And don't be mean to people. 
Tristany and Tristanow are also options; if there were many of me. It would depend on how many of me there were. Confused? Me too. 4 Tristany, but 5 Tristanow. If I was a 5 person band (aka Backstreet Boys) and I lost one of my members on my reunion tour (aka Backstreet Boys), I'd have to change my name from Tristanow to Tristany!  What a hit to the brand!

So now you are wondering a couple things. First, did I make all this up? And the answer is a surprising no. Then you are wondering why??? Why do I have so many varieties of names?

The reason is because of their declension of nouns (aka different "cases"). Every noun has up to 7 varieties (and that's just singular nouns). There's also differences for plural, depending on the number of items, as you saw above (and adjectives change too!). In English we have 2 varieties in total. Well, at least I think we do. If there is one thing I've learned while learning Polish, it's that I don't really understand why we say anything we say in English. I also realize that we are TERRIBLE with our grammar. A native English speaker is probably the worst person to ask about grammar. A Polish co-worker was explaining different verb tenses like present perfect, imperfect, past progressive, etc, and I was so confused. And she was explaining it IN ENGLISH about ENGLISH words! The answer is just that we should just speak like cave men and it'd be so much easier. No wonder it's taking me so long to learn Polish.

In protest, of these cases, I will be forcing all Poles to use only 1 version of a noun in my presense. It will be officially illegal to say any other case besides the normal case. I am nice so I will also allow them to have one (and only one) plural version, for a total of 2 varieties of a noun. If they don't listen, I will accuse them of calling me rude and demeaning names and I will protest in front of the Presidential Palace (it's just down the street from my apartment). If you want to join me in this fight to save mankind and our basic human rights, please join me.

In the meantime, I leave you with this. I think it says enough.