Kiss Me, I'm Confused

I never thought I'd get so stressed about how to say hello to someone.

When I was growing up, the handshake became so complicated, I didn't know what to do. Do I go for the traditional business-handshake? Or are the other person and me "cool" enough for the handshake where you angle your fingers up, rather than down? And if you do that, do you follow it with gripping their curled fingers? And how about a fist bump? Then we had to consider whether or not we put our left hand on the back of the other person as a sort of hug. And if the hand was open like a pat on the back, or if it was in a fist, like "I'm afraid to touch you, but this is still a nice gesture". Or did we just lean in with the shoulder, without wrapping the left arm around? Confused? So was I.

Mr. and Mrs. President fist bumping

Is this the cool way to shake hands now?

If I was meeting a female friend, it was always a hug; my head on the left side, over her right shoulder, my right arm over her left shoulder, and her right arm over my left shoulder. It could get a little awkward if we went for the same side, head-wise or arm-wise, but for the most part, there was an un-written rule about where to put your head and arms.  And everyone followed it.

People here kiss each other on the cheek. It's no big deal, and even in NYC and San Jose it was a common greeting/farewell among my friends.  But there seems to be so many variations here, and people playing by all different rules. I just don't get it.

First of all, you have to decide if you're close enough with the person to warrant a cheek kiss. You don't have to be best of friends for it...just basic acquaintances is probably enough. But that's where the confusion starts. Do you know each other well enough for the cheek kiss? Or is she just going to want to shake your hand (or just give a polite wave and a smile)? Unfortunately there is no rule as to what makes you close enough for the cheek kiss. Maybe if you are Facebook friends? Or maybe if you have ever sms'd that person? I don't know. And what about if it's a guy? Are there certain cultures that expect man-to-man cheek kissing?

I can't think of too many things more awkward...

Potential embarrassing moment #1: Leaning in for the cheek kiss, while she reaches out to shake your hand. Your momentum is too strong to stop your lean-in, but she doesn't commit to the kiss because you catch her off-guard. You end up in an awkward half hug, half cheek-rub (which is really awkward, like bumping faces), half her pushing you away (I know that makes 3 halves, but that's how uncomfortable it is). The good part about this is that the next time you see her, you'll just get the polite smile and wave. It's even worse if she is cheek kissing everyone else in the group, but then still reaches out to shake your hand. Ouch.

If you are greeting someone who is undoubtedly close enough for the cheek kiss, that doesn't mean it's straight-forward. Usually, like a hug, you go over her right shoulder (to her right cheek). The hard part now is knowing how close to get your body, if you add a little hug to it (and with which hand(s)), how much of an angle your face will make toward her cheek, and how much sound to make with the kiss. All four of these can be a source of embarrassment.

Potential embarrassing moments #2-5: Going for the cheek kiss, getting your body too close, so it's almost like a half-hug, not knowing what to do with your hands, as they kinda hug her, but kinda don't, and your face angles towards her enough that your lips fully touch her cheek, in a creepy "I just smelled your face" sort of way. This is a sure-fire way to keep the girl from making eye contact with you ever again.

Even if you master the arms, the lean, the face angle, the pucker, and how much "muah" sound to make when you lean in, there's still more to figure out.

Apparently different countries have a different number of kisses they do as a greeting. It's written into their constitutions or something. Some do two (one on each cheek), and some do three (switching sides twice). Personally, I'm normally a single cheek kiss type of guy (afterall, I'm just an amateur). And when I first moved here, it seemed like most of my friends were one-timers as well. But recently, some two-timers and three-timers have infiltrated my group, and now my friends do two and/or three kisses sometimes, without warning me! Come on! Give me a sign that says "I am a double kisser and you better be too" to save me confusion!

Potential embarrassing moment #6a: You go in for the double-kiss, and when you are switching sides to her other cheek, she pulls away, disengaging from the greeting, already greeting the next person. You're standing there (off-balance) with your left cheek foolishly sticking out, lips puckered, fishing for some action. But it doesn't come. At least hopefully your eyes are open (whoops, if not). Then you play it off like you were looking down the street at something (that's why your face was turned), and your nose itches (which is why you looked like you were puckering your lips, which, of course, you were NOT doing).

Potential embarrassing moment #6b: When you are the one doing the single-kiss, but she is waiting for the double. She has her face dangling out, lips puckered, but you have disengaged, and have stepped back. Now you see her standing there helpless, hoping for the second kiss. You're already on your heels, talking about something else, and in order to go back in, it takes a few extra seconds to re-balance and commit to it. By this time, everyone has noticed how awkward it is, and she might even pull away while you are going back in. This can get very uncomfortable, as now YOU are the one left hanging there. The worst part is that next time, you won't know what to do when you greet that person. You'll probably go for the double-kiss, so not to leave her hanging again, but she will go for the single, so not to be embarrassed again. And then you are back at scenario #6a. Good luck.

A well-executed double kiss leaves her happy

Potential embarrassing moment #7: Just like #6, but this time, when a triple-kiss is involved. Seriously, who has time for a triple-kiss? Why is it necessary? In a group setting, if you triple-kiss everyone, it can take forever! Once you triple kiss one person, everyone is watching, and is expecting a triple kiss of their own. It takes so long that once people see that the triples are coming, they end up forming a queue. It's like one of those booths where you pay 5 cents for a smooch with a pretty girl. My thought on the triple is that the more kisses involved, the more opportunities for embarrassing moments. And I don't like those odds.

Some hints that I've discovered:

- Don't be the first kiss-greeter. Wait for someone else to do it, so you can watch and know how many kisses you're expected to give

- Normally you can touch the person with your right hand on the lower part of her back (it helps with balancing). Excess hand touching is awkward and frowned upon.

- Don't fully pull away after the first kiss. Only pull away a little bit. That way, you're in good position for a second kiss, in case they are looking for it.

- Same as above for after the second kiss, in case they want three

- Move away after three kisses. Nobody wants four.

- Be ready to talk about something immediately after the kiss, in case it gets awkward. An interesting question or compliment about her clothes can take all attention away from the awkwardness of the greeting

Let it be known that I am a single-cheek-kisser.

Or maybe I will just bring back the high five.

If you still need help, you can read this website on how to do it: http://www.wikihow.com/Air-Kiss

But now I have to figure out a more complicated (and way more awkward) greeting: The cheek kiss.